The Disappearance of Alice Creed

by Jonas Kyratzes

The Disappearance of Alice Creed is a movie about a girl and her two kidnappers. It’s well-written, well-acted, well-shot and generally well-done. It’s also not much of a story; things happen, yes, but they don’t amount to much. There are some truly cool moments, but they are spoiled by characters being silly, and in the end the plot comes down to little more than ambiguous characters with a heavy dose of coincidence.

The actors are all fantastic, particularly Eddie Marsan. It’s odd and depressing, though, that this movie gets described by critics as “finally allowing Gemma Arterton to show off her acting chops” whereas her performance in Prince of Persia is frequently trashed. Why? In Prince of Persia she was charming, witty, and attractive. Here she screams and cries a lot. Just because the one movie is an adventure story and the other a drama does not mean that the one takes less talent than the other. Personally, I find it a lot harder to be charming, and I’m pretty sure most critics do too.

One final complaint. The movie has some genuinely funny moments, but it also has an unintentionally funny one. You see, fairly in the beginning the kidnappers strip Alice naked to take photos of her. Her breasts are prominently featured. Fine, it makes sense in terms of the plot. However, she is completely naked, and the movie doesn’t want to show her genitals, so it starts to do an Austin Powers routine of using just the right angles, or having someone standing in front of just that spot… by accident. It’s like the scene in Robert Zemeckis’ otherwise quite good Beowulf, when Beowulf is fighting naked and strategically placed swords keep getting in the way. Funny? Yes. Good for the movie? No.

Anyway, that’s The Disappearance of Alice Creed. A pretty decent thriller with really good performances. Enjoy it for what it is.

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Rushmore

by Jonas Kyratzes

I’ve always intensely disliked the new wave of horror movies that gets categorized as “torture porn.” I do not enjoy seeing likeable characters be tortured, and if I wanted to watch dislikeable people abusing each other I’d watch Caprica.

Rushmore is the dramedy equivalent of torture porn, with a little less violence. It is the story of an arrogant little shit of a student step by step ruining the life of the female teacher he’s supposedly in love with while competing for her affections with an underused Bill Murray. And just like its protagonist, this movie is a smug little bastard-thing that never realizes that the woman everyone is competing over is a person. Oh, I’m sure the filmmakers thought that’s all in the movie’s subtext – only it’s not, because Rosemary Cross (played by the amazing Olivia Williams, who deserves better) remains a passive figure to be “won” by our protagonists. Protagonists who learn next to nothing and, in the case of Max Fischer, have nothing even remotely good about them.

I cannot believe that critics accused The Brothers Bloom – a movie so full of heart and beauty – of being smug, and didn’t trash this movie for the self-indulgent, incoherent nonsense that it is. Equally bizarre is the fact that critics accused the director’s masterpiece, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, of being mannered, when they celebrated the disastrous fakeness and pretentiousness of Rushmore.

Rarely in my life have I felt as much revulsion for a movie. (The other time was probably for Hotel Chevalier, a short film by the same director. But he still made Fantastic Mr. Fox and The Life Aquatic, so that balances things out a little.)

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Timer

by Verena Kyratzes

Timer is a romantic comedy written and directed by Jac Schaeffer that is set in the not-too-distant future. A future in which a device has been developed that can tell anyone when he or she will meet their one true love. There are a few drawbacks to the technology, naturally, so for example your timer will remain blank if your significant other hasn’t been equipped with such a device yet. There is also no guarantee that the happy event, “zeroing out,” will happen soon, or indeed at all. And it costs 79.99 plus an additional 1.99/month, so happiness has a very precise price in this future. The question is: is it worth paying?

Timer answers that question, at least in this hypothetical other reality. Whether the answer is satisfying is another thing entirely…

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

by Verena Kyratzes

The Twilight Saga is a phenomenon that holds some fascination for me. I don’t quite know how it started… hearing some friends talk about their experience with the books, I  guess, but it ended with me reading all four novels. Painful, but necessary, and now I know for sure just how good or bad the books are. Oh, and I also watched the movies, all three of them, including the latest one: Eclipse. If you want to know what I think of the novels, I suggest you take a look at my blog, where I’m currently in the process of writing an eight-part review of the entire series. If you want to know what I thought of Eclipse… well, just read on.

I’ve seen both Twilight and New Moon and my conclusion in both cases was that although they aren’t good movies by any measure they’re at least competently made. The sets look good, there are some truly amazing landscape shots, and even though I resent the hype around Robert Pattinson, his morose-looking counterpart Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner’s abs, I still have to admit that there’s some decent acting to be found among all the sparkle and shine. Now, if only the story was less asinine…

Unfortunately the same doesn’t go for Eclipse. As I sat down in the cinema the other day I was actually looking forward to the movie. The first two were, after all, enjoyable if you didn’t allow your brain to get in the way and David Slade had previously directed Hard Candy, which I really liked (and then there was 30 Days of Night… well, I’d been trying to overlook that).

The auditorium dims, the curtain rolls back, the hum of the projector fills the tiny cinema in which I’m sitting and I get lost. Unfortunately I don’t get lost in superb acting and poetic imagery – it’s the plot that loses me. After twenty minutes I feel very happy indeed that I have recently re-read the novel in preparation for writing a review of the darn thing. It’s like… well, it’s hard to describe, but I’d say the closest thing would be to write the individual parts of Eclipse down on domino tiles, then to throw said tiles into an opaque bag and draw them out at random (but not all of them!). Incoherent is too kind a word.

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